i think you’re a jerk

Let’s be honest, I’ve lost all motivation to be motivated for 2012 and it’s only January 3rd.

I’d rather sit around watching reruns of Portlandia while counting down the days until the new season (two!).  This is the part where some asshole reading my blog comments on my shitty taste in television programs.

If you don’t like what I like then you can blow me, asshole.

That may have been a little unnecessary.  Sadly I don’t care.  What everyone seems to care about are New Year’s resolutions.  If I had a dime for every time someone asked me what my resolution for this year was then I’d have enough money to resolve to stop giving handies in the Central Square T-stop.

My resolution:  Stop being friends with people obsessed with shitty New Year’s resolutions.

I totally get it.  You want to be a better person.  We all do.  But sometimes we’re not.  I refuse to give money to the homeless.  I will never change this.  And you refuse to stop calling me a slut.  I get it.  That doesn’t make you less of a person.  It just makes you a jerk sometimes.

Your resolution:  Admit to being a jerk sometimes!

Seriously.  I actually received a series of text messages from a former “friend” about how he wasn’t a jerk.  I use quotations because we were never actually real friends.  No, that doesn’t mean we hooked up.  It just means I knew this person once in a former life I can’t seem to remember and we re-connected in my current life.

My point:  He wanted to let me know he wasn’t a jerk.  Even though I don’t think I had called him a jerk or actually spoken with him in almost a month.  But I would have agreed with his statement had he not ended it by saying I was basically prowling the streets of Cambridge for “easy sex”.

This just in:  I have a vagina.  All sex is easy sex!

I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m a virgin.  I’m well aware I make a lot of inappropriate jokes about handies.  But that’s just me being immature not me being a whore.

I’m basically the equivalent of a 10th grade boy.  I’ll admit it.  But you need to accept that calling a lady a slut, even over text, is you being a jerk.  And don’t think that wishing me a happy New Year is an appropriate follow up.

We have all been there.  That brief moment in time when we feel we need to defend ourselves so viciously in the face of this one person who has done us so wrong.  Usually me.

I totally get it.  I’ve internally broke into 1,000 pieces of fury over 1,000 times.  It stays internal for all of 7 seconds until all 1,000 pieces of fury come in full contact with an (sometimes) innocent face.

But through all of this I know I’m a raging bitch.  I know when I’m being an asshole.   Most of my comments are those of an asshole.  I offer no sympathy and no condolences.  Only sarcasm.  Because it’s how I deal with the harshness of life.  By laughing.  And being completely inappropriate.

It’s when my jokes stop.  When I stop talking about handies and I stop screaming in your face that I am at my worst.  When the damage one has done is irreversible.  Not because you were so horrible but because I just stopped caring about what you have to say.  Me yelling means I still care about something.  Whatever that something is.  Even if – in my fury – my words make no sense.  You can drive me crazy and I will be your best friend.  I love people who drive me crazy!

But, as with most crazy things, there is fine line. The other side of my line isn’t so much an institute but an endless pit of apathy.  Because like a true bitch (or all Germans) I do not possess an endless supply of human emotion.  And the resulting response is one of three words.  Yea., Sure, or Yup.  Any of the three mean I have fallen from your following.

Note the period at the end of “yea”.  That’s called finality.  ”Sure” is my apathy full fledged.  If that’s possible.  And “yup” is my briefest and laziest form of sarcasm.  One of three words as a response to you yelling in my face or raping me with texts means I’d rather be giving handies to the homeless than continue to associate with you.  Not because I think I’m better than you.  I’m pretty confident I’m far below the majority of the population.  Just because everything you have to say I find of zero interest.  Because nothing is interesting when everything someone has to say comes from a place of denial.

I realize this may come off as disturbing.  But you need to realize that I find a larger than normal majority of the population annoying.  But I deal with it in stride because I’m also extremely annoying.  We all get along because they think I’m crazy because I am crazy and I think they’re crazy because they just gave 43 cents to a homeless lady.

I will love the entire world if the world would just resolve to admit that sometimes they are jerks.  Sometimes we lose our temper and take out our frustration on people who don’t deserve it.  And sometimes they do deserve it.  But after we need to stop and say “I think you’re a jerk.  But clearly I’m a jerk too.”  If I’m the only one who is admitting to being a jerk then this isn’t going to work, people.

Someone man up and realize they’re being a dick.  And I will man up and give some change to the homeless.

Writer’s note:  Some people (Hi, Rich!) may take this to believe my apathy has ceased.  It has not.  My text response of “yea.” (see above) still stands as final.  I’m stating a point to the general population that I want the general population to change.  I’m just using you as an example that one can be a jerk even if one doesn’t think they are a jerk.  

P.S.  Good call on me being a slut though.  Really nailed that one!

P.P.S.  That’s what she said.